Another Small Memory Lapse

Just another 'all is well, nothing to worry about, simply way-over-informationed' memory lapse that reflects these harried times in which we live....like THE OTHER ONE I HAD.

I started, I’d say, well, I can’t exactly remember when, but I started realizing I was forgetting to bring things with me like keys, wallet, cell phone…you know, small stuff, then when I was out, forgetting where I put things like my car or why I was in the tropical plant store or why I just crossed the state line into Connecticut…again, just nit-picky small things.

Just ‘all is well, nothing to worry about, simply way-over-informationed' memory lapses that reflect these harried times in which we live.'

To remedy these ‘nothing to worry about, simply way-over-informationed memory lapses that reflect these harried times in which we live,’ I decided to print up a sign that read…

Do You Have Everything You Need?

…and tape it at the top of my stairs and on the front door.

And it worked. I mean, I guess, that is, I honestly have no recollection for the period of time – however long that may have been - regarding the issue until one night, that is, when I was jogging on my exercise trampoline...I'm sorry, THE one night I was jogging on my trampoline. I use it 364 days a year set against the wall for towels, the odd sock, airing out t shirts everyone (course my everyone is 3) says is way past time to be washed.

Excuse me for "going green." Talking without walking is just, well, talking without walking. You gots to walk the talk.

Anyway, on this particular night, I was jogging on my trampoline – fine, fine, fast-walking, fine, walking…”would you believe…?” (Love ‘Get Smart’ – the TV series, not the movie)…I was looking for another odd sock to go with the one other odd sock I had in my hand (yes, this means I finally admit I don’t use it for exercise. I’m just way to busy being green - EXCCCUUUSSSSEEEE MEEEE!!! - Been listening to a lot of stand-up genius Steve Martin), when I see this sign on my wall:

Do You Have Everything You Need?

After I said: What the hell is that? I started realizing it was probably some Buddhist-Zen-very Dalai Lama thing and began taking inventory of what is truly a NEED vs. a WANT. All m DVDs for example. Sure I need the 53" flat screen TV, but now that I rent DVDs (able to have 3 out at a time, no more), do I really need to own all of them? The answer of course is probably only 90%. I felt good knowing some day I would donate that 10% or 5%, between 5% and 10% or less, probably less...but more than 0%. DEFINITELY more than zero I decided and smiled.

Smiled at my self-awareness, smiled at the fact I could take such an open and critical viewpoint and determine there was one thing I somewhat, sort of, kinda, maybe a little bit, possibly needed to change some day and how better off the world would be because of my sacrifice...the as-of-yet-undetermined-day-in-the-future-sacrifice.

Anyway, the reason can't-remember-exactly-when-it-took-place-night has come back to me tonight as my car is parked in a Connecticut strip mall, and I'm in a tropical plant store without my wallet, cell phone, searching for the keys I've lost as the manager desperately wants to close up, I remember…

THE SIGN I MADE WASN’T SOME BUDDHIST-ZEN-VERY-DALIA LAMA THING...

…but a literal thing reminding me to make sure I have everything I need….which I had remembered to forget to remember (a little play on the song title "I Forgot To Remember To Forget").

Two good things though:

1. It ISs all ‘just another, all is well, nothing to worry about, simply way-over-informationed memory lapse that reflects the harried times in which we live and...

2. I get to keep my DVDs.

Quotes From "Tootsie"

MICHAEL (Dustin Hoffman in his anatomically coorect version) and his roommate, JEFF (Bill Murray), are walking dwon the street talking about a play Jeff's writing.

JEFF: I rewrote the Neck-Tie Scene.

MICHAEL: Good. Without the neck-tie.

JEFF: With the neck-tie.

MICHAEL: WITH THE NECK-TIE???!!!!! Thhe neck-tie is what's wrong with the Neck-Tie Scene.

(For anyone who's written even, oh, just anything, knows how dead on this is.)

'Y' a Vowel Only SOMETIMES???!!!

!!!VOWEL DISRIMINATION AND YOU!!!

A Four Part Investigative Series

................Beginning......................

..............Tonight at 11..................

I'll Tell You The Worst Thing...

...about losing your memory...

Despite What You've Heard, My Boss Is Not A Monstrous, Abusive Narcissist

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Greece to buy him a Falafel.

Am I Against Rules?

Not as a rule, no.

I Had This Relative Once Who...

...bet someone he could get a bull to kill him.

He won.

We used his earnings to pay for a lovely funeral.

I Have To Wonder With The Decades Long Debate...

...over why the chicken crossed the road, has anyone ever bothered to just ask the chicken?

The Joys Of Bank Customer Service

So, I went to the bank to clear up an issue regarding a check sent to my credit card company not clearing. I call my credit card company, a very respectful, kind customer service rep tells me their side and off to the bank I went to speak with a customer service rep there, a woman, bank and credit card paperwork in hand.

As soon as I sit down…well, here’s the exchange.

ME: There seems to be a mistake.

HER: No, there isn’t.

Me: Well, I contacted my credit card comp—

Her: They’re wrong, we’re right.

Me: Why don’t we call the credit card company to get this resolv—

Her: No.

Me: Why not?

Her: Because I’m not going to. We’re right, they’re wrong.

Me: Why are you being so combative?

Her: I’m not.

Me: Doesn’t the fact you just said ‘ I’m not’ instead of something like: Jeez, I didn’t realize I was. It’s not my intention to be’ lead to at least the possibility you’re being combative?

Her: No.

Me: No, even though the person you’re communicating with is informing you of how you’re coming across, especially since the person is a customer?

Her: Right. It doesn’t work that way.

Me: Well, how does it work?

Her: You can say I’m being combative and I can say you’re wrong.

I felt like I was talking with Martin Short’s lawyer character, Nathan Thurm on Saturday Night Live, the one who was always combative and would look in the camera and say ‘It isn’t me. It’s him, right?

To the point in one skit, a person asked him to read something and he says:

Why don’t you read it? Why do I have to read it?

Person: Well, I have read it.

Then why do I have to? (looks at camera) It’s him, right?

I found one clip of Nathan Thurm on YouTube if you care to see, Not the same skit and he doesn’t say ‘It’s him, right’ but you get the jist.

Shhhh...

...they might hear you.

The Unbelievably Amazing Rickie Lee Jones & Amazing Petra Haden

I had the incredible pleasure a while back to see Rickie Lee Jones playing in a bar (she's one of those people with a cult following...If you don't know of her, you may know "Chuck E.'s In Love) wth the amaziing Petra Haden.

Petra Haden has this ability to recreate seemingly any sound with just her voice. A friend gave her the challenge of recreating one of The Who's early albums (noe CD), "The Who Sell Out"(the only popular song on it "I Can See For Miles"...

...and SHE DID!!! Every instrument, vocal, back up vocal, name it. Did it all one an 8 track recorder.

Here's a YouTube.com clip of her "I Can See For Miles" live...with help, of course, as she can't reproduce all the sounds on her own, but she did the arrangement. It's pretty neat.

Quote From "Big Night"

The main character, an Italian who came here hoping to start a restaurant with true Italian quisine is speaking to his Italian friendly competitor, PASCAL who's Americanized the Italian food.

PASCAL: You've got to bite into the ass of life and drag it to you.

Leaving On A Jet Plane (words by John Denver) - This Should Be Fun

First the words, then the fun:

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go
I’m standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breaking, it’s early morn
The taxi’s waiting, he’s blowing his horn
Already I’m so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go

Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be home again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

There’s so many times I’ve let you down
So many times I played around
I tell you now they don’t mean a thing

Every place I go I’ll think of you
Every song I sing I’ll sing for you
When I come back I’ll wear your wedding ring

So, kiss me…etc.

So now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I’ll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won’t have to leave alone
About the times that I won’t have to say

Kiss me…etc.

SO: What starts out as a tender, loving, somewhat sad story about a loving couple that has to say goodbye turns into a story about a guy who ADMITS HE CHEATS(so many times I’ve played around) AND THINKS IT'S OKAY because it was just sex (they don’t mean a thing)…and John Denver tries to sly it in and move on like it wasn’t even mentioned.

So, not letting this sly by and fully taking it into account, let’s take it from the top.

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go
I’m standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye (because you might bring up the whole cheating thing and tell me not to do it again)

But the dawn is breaking, it’s early morn
The taxi’s waiting, he’s blowing his horn
Already I’m so lonesome I could die (but I won’t be lonesome for long as I’ve got a girl in every city I’m touring)

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me (while I’m off screwing everything that moves)
Hold me like you’ll never let me go (but do let me go so I can screw everything that moves)

Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be home again (cause I may be cheating so much it’ll take longer than I thought)
Oh, babe, I hate to go (but not so much as I have endless girls waiting to screw me)

There’s so many times I’ve let you down
So many times I played around
I tell you now they don’t mean a thing (and won’t when I play around again and again and again and…)

Every place I go I’ll think of you (when I’m not screwing all the women I’ll be screwing, whch will be mmost of the time, so I won't be thinking of you very much)
Every song I sing I’ll sing for you (except when I pretend it’s for a girl in the audience I want to screw…which will be most, if not all, songs, most, if not all, the time)
When I come back I’ll wear your wedding ring (until I take it off when I’m on the road screwing all the different girls I‘ll be screwing, so it’ll be off a lot)

So, kiss me…etc.

So now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I’ll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won’t have to leave alone (which will be never because then I won’t be able to screw all the girls I screw when I’m away)
About the times that I won’t have to say

Kiss me and smile for me…etc.
………………………………………
I think it was a wise move to sing “Sunshine On My Shoulders” with Kermit on The Muppet Show

Days Like These

Tell me your secrets
I’ll tell you mine
We’ll spend the evening
In the days behind

Just you and me
And our memories
Someday we’ll remember
Days like these

Our conversation
Was short and sweet
I’m glad it was
Incomplete

Now I can call you
And talk about the breeze
Someday we’ll remember
Days like these

Tomorrow seems so
Far away
Instead of leaving
Why don’t you stay

Growing old with you
Is gonna be a tease
Wondering if we’ll
Ever again have

Days like these

Like The Sun You'll Scorch The Earth

She came to this world with the eyes of a sky on fire
Her flame flickering like a moon across a summer sea
A diary into her hidden heart’s desire
That led her to the place she wanted to be

Pressed between the pages of the days gone by
Are the sounds of laughter and the stains of the tears she shared
You wonder if she were a bird where she would fly
To the highest mountaintop she would have dared

Instead she lent comfort to those so alone
Instead she did her best to turn her house to a home
She proved a gentle heart from the moment of her birth
And then, like the sun, she scorched the earth

Listen to the angels singing on the silent winds
Hear their wings whispering on the bending breeze
Telling you that beauty only again begins
When you allow yourself to see what you need to see

And when you understand there is nothing that you lack
And when you realize you would take nothing back
You’ll prove a broken heart until you remember what her love was worth
And then, like the sun, you’ll scorch the earth

Yes, then, like the sun, you'll scorch the earth

Breathe Deeply...

breathe deeply
all that is around you
before it is too late
whisper
to all that you meet
for a moment is just that
and should not be wasted
by uncertainty
there is
too much to see

City Streets

Every once in a while
Amidst all the
Horror & metal
& confusion
& cars
You meet
A person
That makes
You think
“I’ll
Get up
Tomorrow”

People Crave The World To Know Their name, But...

Fame’s the game these days.

People want the world to know their name. Heck, they’ll even go on TV and eat maggots and bull’s balls so people will know it.

To have their name published in some gossip magazine or some entertainment guide would be a dream come true.

Well, I’ll tell you the one place you don’t want your name published and that’s a Medical Journal. Cause if it is it that means they found a new disease…and that new diease they found...they found in you.

Take Lou Gehrig:

His name is known the world over, merely for beng an exceptional baseball player, not for something that requires talent like eating bull’s balls, but it’s known.

His name, however, is more widely known for a new disease they discovered in him, known in non-medical layman’s terms as:

Lou Gehrig’s Disease

You may want, desire, lust for your name to be known worldwide but not when it precedes the word “disease.” This I assure…

…so, be careful what you wish for.

Unheralded Revolutionary

There’s revolutionary in history that changed our way of life and has yet to be heralded. I will be changing that right now.

I’m speaking of course of the man who came up with the simple whistle that slides up to a high note than quickly back down to a low note that lets women know: You one hot-looking mama.

I don’t where he came up with it, when he came up with it, or the inspiration for it. I only know its positive ramifications.

Where would construction workers be without it? In fact, where would all men be without it? No idea what to say to a passing woman? Pull out the whistle.

How misunderstood he must have been in his time.

Well, today sir, I salute you.

5 Celebrities I Love To Gossip About

5.
4.
3.
2.
1.

5 Things I Recall About My Years As A Raging Alcoholic

5.
4.
3.
2.
1.

2 Things I Think Should Be Legal

Blowing up radio towers of stations that start playing ALL CHRISTMAS SONGS in early-November

Breaking cell phones of people who call friends and narrate whole concerts

20 Lists I Won't Make

The Goofy Side Of Charles Manson
Fun Things About Constipation
Reasons I Love Telemarketers
Best Things About Unrequited Love
Overlooked Positives About Catching Fire
Reasons Why I Adore People Who Yell
The Pluses Of Dying
Why People Against Cruelty To Animals Are Wrong
Reasons The Heart Isn Unnecessary
The Devil’s Good Qualities
Reasons We Need More Crystal Meth Labs
Why Murder Should Be Legal
Gaping Holes In The Argument “the death penalty is too harsh for jay-walkers”
Why “I felt like it” Is A Valid Point For Stealing Cars
Why Dehydration And Starvation Are Character Builders
Child Abuse: A Recipe For Comedy
The Many Talents Of Paris Hilton
Why Starting Christmas Season Before Halloween In No Manner Diminishes Holiday Spirit
Train Derailments: The Coolest Things Ever
My Favorite Person The Serial Killer

List - 10 Pet Peeves

10. Pet peeves
9. Making lists about pet peeves
8. Pets being anointed sole ownership of the “peeve’ for no discernable reason
7. My pet being peeved at everything
6. People who can’t wait in lines
5. Waiting in lines
4. People who help others only when it’s convenient
3. Helping others when it’s inconvenient
2. Buy tomatoes – sorry that’s from my shopping list
1. Writing items from my shopping on my Pet Peeve list

My First List

10. At 10, I’ll decide the list will be 10 items long

9. At 9, I’ll strongly believe I can reach my 10-item quota

8. At 8, I’ll fully doubt I can reach my 10-item quota, as it took 4 minutes to think up #9.

7. At 7, I’ll drift off and forget what I was doing.

6. At 6, I’ll delude myself into thinking my 10-item quota is possible

5. At 5, I’ll think of writing “five golden rings” but then realize The Twelve Days Of Christmas is too popular to plagiarize…not that I’d ever plagiarize

4. At 4, I’ll decide the 10-item quota is just another of the rules “The Man” has always used to keep us down…even though I’m the one who made the rule

3. At 3, I'll wish I had #7 back

2. At 2, I’ll decide lists should be about something, a point I should have listed at #10 and listed #10 at #9

1. At 1, I’ll decide I should redo my list

Quotes From "Wild At Heart"

The Laura Dern Character:

This world is wild at heart and weird on top.
-------
In another scene, Laura Dern says...

Oh, baby, you got me hotter than Georgia asphalt

For Those Who Always Tell Yourself "I Can't"...

...I say to you...Just remember...

"Can't" is only "t'nac" spelled backward.

Quandary: Shark Biting Foot Off...

I saw a special on sharks and it got me thinking:

If a shark bit my foot off, would I be happy it didn’t eat the rest of me or simply pissed it ate my foot?

I don’t know. I really just don’t know. But I better figure out the answer soon as my lack of sleep due to this continually spinning in my mind is starting to effect my day.

Thoughts While Pondering The Days Of The Week

Does Wednesday ask Thursday what Friday is like?

Do Friday & Saturday argue over which is the best “party" day?

If they do, I bet Friday argues that people have been copped up at work and are ready to explode, while Saturday would counter-argue that people have all day and night with him.

If we vut up the days of thr week, threw them up in the air, and randomly taped them back together, would we start the 5-day work week from wherever Monday was?

And if we did, how would Tuesday cope if it now fell on a weekend? Would the change be too much?

You Think Up The Questions - 10

How It Works

I don't know where you heard that, but it's mostly a lie.
--------------------------
Because there was no one there who’d tell.
------------------------------
You don't?
---------------
I'm not ashamed to admit it.
------------------
Because at night there are fewer people around.

You Think Up The Questions - 9

How It Works

Of course I do that in a public bathroom.
-------------
I like doing it with potatoes best. They’re hard and no two are the same.
---------------------
What are the odds of me catching that?
------------------
That’s illegal? THAT?! I never knew.
---------------------
As often as possible. I think everyone should.

You Think Up The Questions - 8

How It Works

That's the only reason I went there.
-------------------------
He said he was a doctor.
----------------------------------
I tried, but I'm a true lefty and have to everything with my left hand. Even that.
----------------------
That's why Ihad the walls sound-proofed.
-------------------
I adore children.

Quote From "The In-Laws" (The Orignal)

Peter Falk (Vince), a CIA agent is talking to his taxi driver, Travis Bickle - just kidding - actually a very young David Paymer.



VINCE: Are you thinking of joining? I’ll tell you, the benefits are great. The trick is not to get yourself killed. That there is really the key to the whole benefits program.

Quote From "Cop Land"

Sylvester Stallone wants to go after all the corrupt cops in town. Ray Liotta tries to talk sesne into him...

LIOTTA: Being right does not give you a bulletproof badge.

Quote From "Big"

The Jon Lovitz character sitting in the cubicle next to the now "big" Tom Hanks receives an inner office call:

LOVITZ: What?! I gave that to you yesterday...Oh, here it is.

Quotes From "Barfly"

Raging alcoholics Henry and Wanda are sitting at a dive bar

WANDA: You got a problem with cops?

HENRY: No, but I like it better when they're not around.

The Ultimate Insult To Injury

The Injury: A bear is killed, skinned, turned into a rug with his stuffed head still attached, and tossed on the floor in front of a fire.

THE INSULT: People have sex on it.

If there’s a bear Heaven, you know it must be looking down going:

“Oh, no. No, no. Not sex. Not there. They could do it any—That’s my back for god sakes. Oh, they are. They’re doing it. And there’s no way some of those exchanged bodily fluids aren’t reaching me.

If I were given a million guesses, there is just no way I would have ever even begun to imagine this as my end. My head stuffed and hung on a wall, yes. I wouldn’t like it, but yes, that would be a guess. But this…?

I mean, seriously. THEY’VE ALREADY WON. I’m dead. They’re using my SKIN as a rug…with my head STILL ATTACHED. How creepy is that, by the way?

Well, at least they’re finally done. And, of course, they’re going again right away thanks to that lovely discovery Viagra. This is a nightmare. I’m living out an afterlife Nightmare…that I couldn’t have ever imagined…AND THIS IS BEAR HEAVEN!!!!

Truly, The Ultimate Insult To Injury

With dummy, Idiots' Guides Being Copyrighted

I imagine the titles in the future might be something like this.

The Total Moronic, Imbecile, Thick, Dim-Witted, Dense, Brainless, Stupid F-ing Bastard, The World Would Not Miss You If You Were Never Born, A 1 Year Old Could Understand This, Forest Gump’s A Scholar Campared To You’s...

...Guide To Building Self-Esteem.

In The Soup (1992)

In The Soup (1992) Directed by: Alexandre Rockwell Written by: Alexandre Rockwell/Tim Kissel

A great low, low budget, black and white film about a miserable, down on his luck amateur (Steve Buscemi) who sells life’s passion project, a 500 page screenplay about Neitzche and Dostoevsky for $200.00 to pay his rent or have his legs broken by a couple D-level mobster-wanna-be’s.

The script is bought by a man, Walter (Seymour Cassel) who, surprising to Buscemi, wants to keep him aboard so they can make the picture together, be “in the soup” together. He even has ways to acquire the funds, each less and less legal and more and more dangerous like stealing a policeman’s Porsche for one.

Obviously a con man of the highest order, Walter is so big-hearted and full of life, bringing a much needed spark to Buscemi’s - even connecting him with Buscemi’s love, his next door neighbor (Jennifer Beals) - it’s hard not to want to be around the guy.

A simple but quirkily told tale populated by strange characters that pass in and out at random, ‘In The Soup’ deservedly won the Audience Award at The Sundance Film Festival…

…and there wasn’t a special effect in sight.

How about that?

Exceptional turns by all…including, in a very small role, the always good to see Will Patton as Walter’s anemic brother.

Quotes from "Drugstore Cowboy"

In repsonse to the detective asking who shot him...

BOB (Matt Dillon): It was the hat.

...in reference to a bad omen that occured when someone dropped a hat on a bed.

--EARLIER--

Bob's doping up and the Kelli Lynch character (forget her name) comes seductively strutting over and tries to kiss him...something Bob nixes toot-sweet.

KEELI LYNCH: It's no fair. You never fuck me, and I always have to drive.

Quotes From "In The Soup"

The Steve Buscemi character is reading his 500 PAGE SCRIPT about Dostoevsky and Nietzsche and an angel and the person he's reading it to, Seymour Cassel, starts falling asleep and finally...

SEYMOUR CASSEL: What page are you on?

STEVE BUSCEMI: 4.

SEYMOUR CASSEL (pulls a gun) Shoot me.

STEVE BUSCEMI: I'm nt going to shoot you.

SEYMOUR CASSEL: You're going to have to because if you read page 5, I'm going to shoot you.

Hollywood Movies Have So Overdone One Particular Scene...

...in suspense-thrillers, they should start handing out t-shirts to patrons who jut watched one:

"I Survived Yet Another Could've Gotten Away Easy But The Car Wouldn't Start Til The Bad Guys Were Right On Top Of Us Scene"

Woman Have The Trump Card Of All Trumps Cards In Relationships Turned Bad...

...that men will NEVER be able to use.

I faked every orgasm.

The Fact I Hear Dogs Talking To Me...

...doesn't mean I'm hallucinating.

Oh, wait. Yes, it does.

If You Were Here Now...

...you'd be standing on my computer.

Think About This...

You'll never get back the 3 seconds it took to read this.

The Question Isn't If Mornings Should Be Shot...

...the question is where?

Its essence?

It Just Occured To Me...

20 years ago I was 20 years younger than I am today

Thoughts While Staring At The Night Sky

Does the moon like the night shift?

I bet The Man In The Moon doesn't give one crap about us.

Are the moon and sun friends or just passing work acquaintances?

Maybe the moon and sun were friends until the sun goaded the moon one too many times about no one landing on it, and now, they just offer nods at shift changes.

With people wishing on stars for eons asking them to make certain dreams dome true, don't you think at least one star's said, "Heard it."

Stars must want to kill Jiminy Cricket 'cause I guarantee most people started pleading to them after that whole Pinocchio, "When You Wish Upon A Star" business.

Are stars as obsessed with Hollywood stars as we are?

What does cloud break sound like?

You Think Up The Questions - 7

How It Works


I went there specifically for that purpose.
-------------------
He said he was a doctor.
---------------------------
I tried, but I'm a true lefty and have to everything with my left hand. Even that.
----------------------
That’s why I had the walls sound-proofed.
-----------------------------
They haven't enforced it yet.
--------------------------
I adore children.

You Think Up The Questions - 6

How It Works

I should have stayed with my smaller one.

You Think Up The Questions - 5

How It Works


I tried. I'm just not very good at that sort of thing.
--------------
It's only natural...I think.
-------------
It was just part of the job, unofficially, at least.
--------------
No, never. Okay, yes, often.
----------------
I don't understand why doing that in a zoo is so strange.

The Precise Moment You Become A Grown Up

People say it's when you turn 18 and can vote and sign legally binding documents. Others 21, when you can legally drink. Still more, when you get married. And then there's a select few who say when you become a parent.

They're all wrong.

The precise moment you become a grown up is when you stop referring to running as playing and start referring to it as exercise.

You Think Up The Questions - 4

How It Works

There's nothing to admit.
--------------
Yes, but remember there was a full moon out that night.
--------------
And you're insinuating what?
-----------
Anyway I answer that will be taken the wrong way.
-----------
I did do certain favors for them, but never that.

You Think Up The Questions - 3

How This Works


I think I would have remembered that.
---------------
I definitely would have remembered that. I had sobered up by then.
-------------------
I wouldn't swear on a stack of bibles, no.
---------------------
I don't know why. I've just always loved doing that in elevators.
----------------------------
You make everything sound so bad.

You Think Up The Questions - 2

How This Works

I wasn't the only one doing it.
----------
I was under a lot of pressure at the time.
------------
Okay, fine. It was three times, but...you do that three times and you're labeled?
---------
I thought we were off the record.
-------------
Next question.

You think Up The Question - 1

How This Works

No more than twice, I swear. But, I was in college. That doesn't count.
-------------
Well, that depends on your definition.
-------------------------
I never said I enjoyed it.
----------------------------
It was a really long line.
-------------------------
You have pictures of what? No, you don't.

You Think Up The Questions - How It Works

I supply a statement.

You then have free reign to decide what question was asked. Roam wild, dirty to innocent, to everything in between. It's your mind...

...kind of a verbal Rorschach Test

Quote from "Spinal Tap"

INTERVIEWER:

Then there’s your album “Shark Sandwich." Just a two word review: Shit Sandwich.

Quotes From "Airplane"

Two kids, a boy and girl - who act like very proper adults, VERY proper, are on board. The boy brings a tray of coffee over and sits.

BOY: Would you like some cream?

GIRL: No, thank you. I take it black…like my men.

Quote from "Jaws"

Chief Brody wants to alert people of the danger

MAYOR:

Hold on. You go around saying, Barracuda, people go, Huh? Wha…?…But, you say shark…

Quote from "When Harry Met Sally..."

Many couples are playing visual charades…Harry and Sally each with people other than each other, of course. Sally’s drawing something no one can get. As time’s running out, Jess, Harry’s best friend pleads…

JESS : Draw something resembling anything.

Quotes from "Heist"

THE GENE HACKMAN CHARACTER:

You shouldn’t point a gun at someone unless you plan on using it. It’s insincere.

--ANOTHER SCENE--

ONE OF HACKMAN'S GANG, talking about Hackman:

My man’s so cool, sheep count him when they want to go to sleep

Quotes From "Arthur"

A blindingly drunk Arthur (is there a time he isn’t) has his driver pull his limo over to a prostitute...

ARTHUR: How much?

PROSTITUTE: $100

ARTHUR: Oh yeah, what time do you get off work?

---THEN LATER AT A RESTAURANT---

ARTHUR: Why did you…?

PROSTITUTE: Become a prostitute?

ARTHUR: Jesus, are you a prostitute? I thought I was just getting off great with you. .Sorry. Go on.

PROSTITUTE: My mother died when I was 6.

ARTHUR: Son of a bitch! Don’t they know what that does to a kid?

PROSTITUTE: My father raped me when I was 12.

ARTHUR: So, you had 6 relatively good years.

Movie And TV Quotes - How It Works

I'm mainly writing from memory, so I hope the jist is there.

If you know the actual lines or feel like commenting on the scene, movie or leave your own movie quotes...

...I'd love to hear from you.

Recipe For Stress Release

And since there's no money changing hands I'll go ahead and guarantee the money you're not paying be back
----------------

Ready? It's easy. It's a sound.

Laughing children? Screw that. Cooing lovers? Not a chance. Twitter morning songbirds. Please.

No, the sound - my favorite in the whole world - the CRINKLING sound the computer Recycle Bin makes when you delete a file from it. I make up Word documents just so I can delete them and hear that CRINKLE sound...and I'm cool like the Dalai Lama.

Try it sometime when the world’s got you overwhelmed. Put the computer volume at just the right level, make up a Word document in it (anything quick is fine), immediately place it in the Recycle bin, sit back in a comfortable position, hit Delete and just listen to that CRINKLE as if real paper’s being balled up and thrown away.

CRINKLE. CRINKLE. You can almost see the hand crumpling it.

Then, simply, repeat until stress-free.

!!!And don't forget my not-giving-back-the-money-you-never-paid-me guarantee!!

CRINKLE. CRINKLE. You can almost see an actual hand crumpling it up.

I guarantee all refunds for this free advise.

Man In The Moon (1991)

Directed by: Robert Mulligan Written by: Jenny Wingfield

It’s 1957 in Louisiana and there’s innocence, Elvis and The Man In The Moon to tell your problems to and who’ll fix them by morning…at least according to Dani (Danielle) and Maureen’s mother (Tess Harper). Innocence, by the end of this particular summer, will be a thing of the past (as always happens in life), for Maureen but especially 14-year-old-gum-snapping Dani (Reece Witherspoon in her first role) changing quickly from tomboy to young lady.

Change arrives in their sleepy little town in the form of returning neighbors whose sun has grown into a handsome 17-year-old who Dani develops a crush on. As much as he likes Dani, his eyes are for Maureen. So now, this sister who Dani always wished she could be becomes her mortal enemy. How many different emotions this young girl must deal with? Thankfully there’s her mother and father (Sam Waterston) to turn to…or be forced to turn to against her will so they can help her.

Then a tiny, careless act is committed while daydreaming and tragedy strikes, a tragedy that makes a person want to question what can offer no answer…and Dani and her sister are thrust straight into adulthood, and the adults thrust deeper into their adulthoods as lost innocence, this type of lost innocence, will do.

And, in the end? There is each other, there is Elvis, and there is The Man In The Moon willing to listen to your problems, and maybe, just maybe, if you believe enough as you drift off to sleep, have them fixed come morning.

Wishlist - Pearl Jam (words by Eddie Vedder)

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top

I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky
I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me

I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood
I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on

I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb to trust and never let you down
I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...I wish...

...I wish...

Strawberry Fields Forever (words by John Lennon)

Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone
But it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me

No one I think is in my tree
I mean, it must be high or low.
That is, you can't you know tune in
But it's all right
That is I think it's not too bad.

Always, no sometimes think it's me,
but you know I know when it's a dream
I think, er No, I mean, er, Yes
But it's all wrong
That is I think I disagree

Let me take you down
'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about

Strawberry Fields forever.

I Still Haven't Said Why I Like The Lyrics

I know. I forgot. But I will remedy this shortly...

...Guess it's lucky for me no one reads this.

The Sure Thing

The Sure Thing (1985)

“It’s funny how young lovers start as friends” – Elton John’s song “Seasons”

Incoming college freshman Walter “Gib” Gibson (John Cusak) is clueless about girls…and I mean CLUELESS. At an end of summer party he asks a girl if she’d like to have a sexual experience so intense, it could conceivably change her political points of view. While his best friend, the ever confident Lance (Anthony Edwards) heads west for “waves and babes”, Gib heads to a New England college where everything…stays the same.

Finally convincing a girl in his writing class, Alison (Daphne Zuniga), to help him as he’s flunking, you know he’s going to blow it before whatever “it” is starts because, while dressing, he’s wondering if his opening line: Did you know Neitche died of syphilis is too obscure or if he changed it Shakespeare if she’d know it wasn’t true. I wanted to scream into the screen, “Hello? It’s not the person, it’s the line.”…and so, of course, he does.

Being invited to California by Lance for Christmas break to meet “a sure thing”, he immediately finds someone on the ride board to split gas with and is on his way, except…the couple who’s driving, well…he introduces himself as “Gary Cooper, but not the one who’s dead” and they sing show tunes, constantly, and…Alison’s copped the same ride to visit her steady boyfriend going to school out there.

Quickly tiring of Gib and Alison’s constant bickering that leads him first to utter, to his horror, the word ‘dang’ and then to a run-in with police, he throws them out of the car in the middle of nowhere. So, now, it’s the road movie of opposites: He, the unstructured, irresponsible mess who eats pork-rinds and shotguns beer for breakfast and she, the WAY-too-structured, we too tight, spontaneity-has-its-time-and-its-place.

Do they fight and argue and deny and come to rub off on each other and realize they’re in love over their adventure to California? It’s a romantic-comedy, so yes. BUT, the makers of the film do what most romantic comedies (especially now) don’t or can’t do. They show them fall in ‘like’. They show them become friends…which is what is needed, in life, sure, but especially in these movies for, at least me as an audience member to care about them. Now, they show them meet and then suddenly they’re in love, and I don’t remember them even liking each other.

As far as what happens when they reach California with “the sure thing” and Alison’s boyfriend? Well, I’m going to leave that to you to find out when you rent this.

INDISPENSABLE: Tim Robbins in his hilarious turn as Gary Cooper, but not the one who’s dead, Nicholette Sheridan (in her first role) as “The Sure Thing”, who, in a seemingly thankless task, manages to create a real person behind the brain-dead California girl…and mostly, the writing teacher. She is simply exceptional. Just listen to her read Gib’s paper at the end. Amazing. Felt like I was there for it…and I wasn’t. No one is. They don’t show this part so her reading is crucial.

Lastly…the great Ray Charles singing the ending-over-credits-song. Magical.

I dare you to not enjoy yourself watching this.

Sounds Of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel (words by Paul Simon)

A little more than jsut the words this time...

So, rock magazines come out with lists like Top 100 Albums Ever, Top 100 Guitarists Ever, etc, etc, and so on and so on and so on and so on...and now that I've grown bored doing that I'll move so on.

All these lists are meant to stimulate arguments, so that, guess what, people will buy magazines, just because they can't believe it and will have the physical prove when they show their friends and say: I can't believe it!

I get it. I'm hip. I'm diggin' on their trip...and many other 60's-70's long since buried slang phrases...though they may be dead for so long now, they're actually alive.

Anyway, I see this magazine with the Top 100 Worst Lyrics Ever and this, my friends (I hope you don't mind if I refer to us as friends) is beyond argument stimulating. These people are plain and simple looking for a fight. I don't know if someone has a pain fetish there, but I'm talking an old fashioned ass-whooping.

The song (and words) in question:

Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sounds Of Silence". Now I personally think Paul Simon (who wrote the song and words) is a true poet in general but I would like to submit for your approval (any Twilight Zone fans out there?) these particular words...and remember, way, way high up on the list of worst lyrics ever.

Anyway, here they are:

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seed while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walk alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath a halo of an 'A' Street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night and touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
10,000 people maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
And no one dared disturb the sound of silence

Fool, said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grow
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said the words of the prophet
Are written on the subway walls and tenement halls

...and whispered in the sounds of silence
-------------------
Now, this is not about me attempting to convince you Paul Simon's great. That would be as futile as trying to shovel smoke with a pitchfork in the wind (John Lennon line). But WORST!!! W-O-R-S-T?!!!!

They're looking for a fight. And I'm going to give it to them. I'm going to find them, put up my dukes the way they did in the late-1800's, early 1900's and say 'Put 'em up'...and after they give me the ass-whooping I predicted above (I meant me in case there was some confusion), I will thank them for calling an ambulance and then get the last laugh when I shout out just as they close the doors and pull off:

Says you!!!

Seriously though, WORST? I write and am proud to say I've stolen from him on more than one occasion, this song particularly, and wrote these words repeatedly when I was supposed to be paying attention in class.

Anyway, to borrow a line from "Leave It To Beaver"...It just got me sore is all.

My Used Car Dealer

I was in the process of buying this used car many years ago, when I was but a wee lad, looking some over, test driving and all that when one night on a local news show there was a story about a big art heist at a Worcester, MA art museum…and who do I see but my car salesman discussing, very expertly, how they probably did it, why the took the ones they did and left others. It was really, really impressive.

The next day I’m back checking out the car and tell him I saw him on the show and how impressed I was and ask if he used to be an art thief investigator, and hand to god, he tells me:

No, I used to be an art thief.

I’m not certain of the complexities of the human body and it’s working system but I imagine it must have been something akin to how a snake unhooks its mandible when it’s about to swallow prey and thusly my jaw was able to do what it did: which was literally hit the ground.

So later that day, my friend asks me how the car purchase is going and I tell him my car salesman’s a thief and he goes ‘oh, they all are.’ I say, no, I mean that literally. My used car salesman actually IS a thief.

When his mandible didn’t unhitch and his jaw hit the floor, he told me that only works if it’s the actually person’s car salesman. He was a med student. He knows things. And he said besides: At least the guy’s honest. He did tell you.

Very true, I thought. I’m buying a used car from an honest thief.

To be fair to the man: he paid his debt for his old ways with many years in prison and had become a consultant to the police to help apprehend art thieves. He truly had been rehabilitated.

So, I bought the car. This tiny little thing with a stick shift – my first manual – so I got to act like Speed Racer or ‘Obey The Speed Limit, Stop At Every Stop Sign And Yellow Light Racer.’…or, if you ask a psychologist, so I could have a substitute penis in my hand.

This little, used car, for some odd reason, had KILLER speakers, so listening to music was pure joy. I just loved it. Then one day, a woman cut out from a small strip mall parking lot, smashed into me, and totaled it.

No humans were hurt, but my car. I just loved that little car. (Note that at this point a tear is forming in my eye as I write this – my allergies are acting up something fierce – BA-DUM-DUM. (Yes, I stopped to tell that bad joke just for you. No thanks are necessary. Hey, now. No raspberries are necessary, either.)

So, anyway, I did. I loved that car. We fit like peanut butter, banana, and fried egg sandwiches – at least I imagine they fit, you’ll have to ask Elvis. That was his deal.

I looked into pursuing a suit with the woman to recover the cost of it but quickly dropped the idea when I found out if I pursued the claim, according to the Blue Book value, I would actually owe her money.
The moral of this story: None. The point: Can’t think of even one….but it killed some time.

Let’s face it. The supermarket is a complex roadway system, and woe be to the person who shows up at rush hour. There aren’t two lanes for each direction, one a slow lane for people searching for a particular street, say Coffee and Tea Street.

If it were up to me, were my world, I would have them build a very elaborate walkway from the ceiling covering the whole store wear a person could walk around and, like a radio helicopter, give traffic updates:

I might want to stay away from aisle 4, as there’s a huge olive oil spill. If you’re heading to aisle 5, be ready to confront some jerk-off cart-driver whose decided to take their half out of the middle. It’s still slow going by that three cart pile up in frozen foods, and, if you’re having any ideas of heading over to produce, I’d abandon them now as that special on Provolone cheese in deli has bottlenecked all the way back to the cantaloupes. If, however, this is a must, I suggest you get off at vegetables by the string beans and work your way around backrows to radishes and oranges.

Anyway, that’s what I’d do if it were my world.

According To Someone Else's Watch...(The Christmas Ballte Begins)

IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME AGAIN, and while for many of you that means visions of sugar plums and dreams of chance meetings with Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt under the mistletoe, for me it means hunkering down in my bunker busily preparing yet another defense against yet another onslaught from my family, the enemy as I affectionately refer to them, and their demon gift.

See, dating back to days before I even have memories, my family has been trying to get me to wear a watch. They’ve prodded me with everything from “you never know when you may need to know” to “you never know when someone may ask you” to “how will you know when your two minute egg is done?” A traipse through my photo album reveals an endless array of devises forced upon me under the guise of “gift giving holidays” from Easter to Arbor Day to the odd Thursday in February when the climate would grow unseasonably warm and my family would proclaim it “Up We Go Spring Day,” all in hopes I would, one day, do something very strange and actually wear one of them.

After years of mental maneuvering so deft and precise, however, my family gave up, retreated, quit like a yellow backed puppy up against a pit bull…only to return two years later with “The Annual Christmas Tradition” (I thought since Christmas only comes but once a year, the use of the word “annual” was a bit redundant, but that’s probably something best discussed with a linguist).

Anyway, after a few years of guffaws and jaw drops and near side steps of the full court offensive, leaving, only momentarily, my wrist naked as the day it was born (or is it the day I was born? I mean, did it just come with me or…? Reminder to self: ask mother for refresher course on birds and bees), at least naked as god intended, I finally decided to become simpatico with the other side, telling the giver du jour they were right. It was time I started wearing a watch.

Lo, though, every year, I always, mournfully and regrettably found something wrong with whatever kind of watch they had chosen and suggested I bring it back to the store for a more proper model, deserving both of the title Christmas gift and Chris’ first watch, and every Christmas I have been doing just that.

Braving enormous crowds, horrendous weather and the periodic urge for an ice cream just to flip the bird in the face of winter, I return to the store, and every Christmas I regurgitate my tale of woe all over the customer service representative with the surprisingly cheerful demeanor and every year I return, once again, to hearth and home… with a series of new compact discs, claiming they were out of watches.

This was my piece de resistance, my Sistine Chapel, the one scam with which all would remember me by…until last Christmas, that is. For last year, plainly, honestly and without a hint of the subtle humor we’d grown to love and expect from him playing about his eyes, my uncle questioned the plausibility of my argument, being that said article had been purchased at an establishment called The Watch Store.

I saw, now, a fatal flaw in my defense, a fly in my ointment, a chink in my armor, some chocolate in my peanut butter, a…well, I’m sure you understand, and so, unfortunately, did they. This pit bull had become a mouse, a mouse crawling unavoidably closer to his trap.

And, so I sit, hunkered in my bunker, less than a month from battle, and no closer to a plan. I have even intercepted transmissions revealing the possibility of a pocket watch as this year’s choice, leaving my “Naked Wrist Defense” by the wayside like so many broken leaves on the highway of time (or some such pretentious metaphor).

It seems it’s time, once again, to invoke my Great Granpappy Johnson who declared proudly while a young man entrenched in a foxhole in Europe, the enemy baring down, “When your back’s against it, quit,” thus laying the foundation of the Johnson legacy for future generations to come. (Great Granpappy Johnson never did make it out of the foxhole that day, though no one could ever discover how it was fifteen separate bullets were found in his body…all American).

In the end, who knows? Maybe Angelina Jolie’s a watch person, maybe my future wife will walk up to me on the street, naked wrist lay bare, and ask me the time, and maybe, just maybe come December 25th, I will have the best two minute egg I’ve ever had.