It’s been said men spend all their time thinking about their penises, and, if they were given an extra moment a day, they’d spend that thinking about their penises, too. Well, you are looking at an aberration (well, looking in the 21st century way – through words written on the Internet). I do not spend all my time thinking about my penis, not even 1/6 of a nanosecond.
Nope, I spend all my time NOT thinking about my penis. I even record in journals just how often I don’t think about my penis.
For instance, a few entries from yesterday:
6:00:00am - Not thinking about my penis
6:00:30am - Still not thinking about my penis
6:01:00am - Still not thinking about my penis
601:30am – Still not thinking about my penis
And on and on it goes.
I have dozens upon dozens upon dozens of boxes filled with these journals going back years that I flip through every night just so I can reflect on just how often I don’t think about my penis, just like I’m not thinking about my penis now.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fully describe how freeing it is to spend all your time not thinking about your penis, instead of spending all of it thinking about your penis.
But, to maybe give an indication:
If I were given an extra moment a day, I'd spend that not thinking about my penis, too.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Tip Bowls At Dunkin' Donuts
So, we all know now that in fast food places like Dunkin' Donuts, the customer is expected to add to the tip jar when a person pours you coffee so the owners don't have to pay the salary they deserve. And yes, for those of you out there saying 'this is a famous scene from 'Resevoir Dogs'', I know the scene.
My point isn't the tipping. I don't agree but I'm not going to have the workers suffer because of owners’ decisions.
So, I tip. What I want in return for my tip, however, is for them to SEE me tip. It seems most times they're moving on to a new customer or other pressing business and they DON'T SEE me tip. So, now, at the end of the night since all the tips mingle, it could be anyone's tip in the tip bowl.
I kind of want to pretend to have a coughing fit and when they come over, display my tip like a model showing a car, or rip just the tiniest, tiniest portion of a dollar bill and go "oh, darn, will you take this DOLLAR tip that I'm giving you even though it has a eentsy, weensty tear you'd need a magnifying glass to see? Would you take this, now knowing I’m the one who gave this to you.
Or maybe “accidentally” swipe the tip bowl off the counter and, down on my knees, tally the tips spread across the sticky, gucky floor OUT LOUD, keeping at bay employees who keep insisting they’ll take care of it.
ME: $3.05, $3.10 ---
THEM: (kindly touching my shoulder) Sir, please…
ME: $3.15, $3.20—
THEM: (again kindly touching my shoulder) Sir, please…
ME: Touch me again, you’ll be pulling back a bloody stump….$3.16…17…18…19.
Then as I put the money back in the bowl and place the bowl on the counter, I can say:
ME: $3.19. There’s $3.19 in tips in there, and the 65 cents I’M now adding makes it $3.84.
Of course, my tip would have to placed in by one of the police officers escorting me out of the place in handcuffs who kindly stuck his hand in my pocket and pulled it out.
UPDATE: The employees sent me a thank you note in jail…and that’s all I wanted.
My point isn't the tipping. I don't agree but I'm not going to have the workers suffer because of owners’ decisions.
So, I tip. What I want in return for my tip, however, is for them to SEE me tip. It seems most times they're moving on to a new customer or other pressing business and they DON'T SEE me tip. So, now, at the end of the night since all the tips mingle, it could be anyone's tip in the tip bowl.
I kind of want to pretend to have a coughing fit and when they come over, display my tip like a model showing a car, or rip just the tiniest, tiniest portion of a dollar bill and go "oh, darn, will you take this DOLLAR tip that I'm giving you even though it has a eentsy, weensty tear you'd need a magnifying glass to see? Would you take this, now knowing I’m the one who gave this to you.
Or maybe “accidentally” swipe the tip bowl off the counter and, down on my knees, tally the tips spread across the sticky, gucky floor OUT LOUD, keeping at bay employees who keep insisting they’ll take care of it.
ME: $3.05, $3.10 ---
THEM: (kindly touching my shoulder) Sir, please…
ME: $3.15, $3.20—
THEM: (again kindly touching my shoulder) Sir, please…
ME: Touch me again, you’ll be pulling back a bloody stump….$3.16…17…18…19.
Then as I put the money back in the bowl and place the bowl on the counter, I can say:
ME: $3.19. There’s $3.19 in tips in there, and the 65 cents I’M now adding makes it $3.84.
Of course, my tip would have to placed in by one of the police officers escorting me out of the place in handcuffs who kindly stuck his hand in my pocket and pulled it out.
UPDATE: The employees sent me a thank you note in jail…and that’s all I wanted.
One Step Separates A Hero From A Jerk
Okay, so, the other day I'm waiting for some movie that I paid to see that I completely forgot by the time I got to the car - remember when you wouldn't forget a movie until you got home or actually remembered it and spoke about it days later? Forgive me, I was waxing nostalgic.
So, I’m waiting for my movie and, to kill time til it starts, I look at some big, cardboard cutout of a movie to come (that smells of the desperation of marketing executives worried their bosses will find out most of their jobs are useless).
So, one minute I’m standing there with diet coke staring at the cutout, and the next minute, I’m standing there with my diet coke COVER, staring at the cardboard cutout.
As I have headphones on, listening to music, I don’t hear the cup fall and, therefore, don’t realize til I absently take a sip from my straw and notice, not only is air just coming through but I can see both sides of the straw.
Looking down, I see this huge puddle of diet coke and ice and cup and it's spreading. So, I think back to how my mother raised me, say screw that...and I walk away.
BUT, when I'm just a couple feet away, an employee with a mop and bucket shows up and tells me very sincerely not to worry. He'll clean it up. And, thinking quick, I say, Oh, thank god. I was just off to find help. I was afraid someone might slip on it.
He thanks me, telling me that most people just walk away without thought to the fact other people might get hurt. Well, those people are called jerks, I reply.
I love these moments in life. He approaches a step later, I'm clearly one of the jerks I'm speaking of (which I am) but he doesn't and so I'm a hero.
It was then I realized just one step separates a hero from a jerk.
A moment later, I was off to get the free refill I was offered for being so considerate of others…which I gladly accepted.
What’s a hero to do?
So, I’m waiting for my movie and, to kill time til it starts, I look at some big, cardboard cutout of a movie to come (that smells of the desperation of marketing executives worried their bosses will find out most of their jobs are useless).
So, one minute I’m standing there with diet coke staring at the cutout, and the next minute, I’m standing there with my diet coke COVER, staring at the cardboard cutout.
As I have headphones on, listening to music, I don’t hear the cup fall and, therefore, don’t realize til I absently take a sip from my straw and notice, not only is air just coming through but I can see both sides of the straw.
Looking down, I see this huge puddle of diet coke and ice and cup and it's spreading. So, I think back to how my mother raised me, say screw that...and I walk away.
BUT, when I'm just a couple feet away, an employee with a mop and bucket shows up and tells me very sincerely not to worry. He'll clean it up. And, thinking quick, I say, Oh, thank god. I was just off to find help. I was afraid someone might slip on it.
He thanks me, telling me that most people just walk away without thought to the fact other people might get hurt. Well, those people are called jerks, I reply.
I love these moments in life. He approaches a step later, I'm clearly one of the jerks I'm speaking of (which I am) but he doesn't and so I'm a hero.
It was then I realized just one step separates a hero from a jerk.
A moment later, I was off to get the free refill I was offered for being so considerate of others…which I gladly accepted.
What’s a hero to do?
I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You (Tom Waits)
Well I hope that I don't fall in love with you
'Cause falling in love just makes me blue,
Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
Well the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well if you sit down with this old clown, take that frown and break it,
Before the evening's gone away, I think that we could make it,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
Well the night does funny things inside a man
These old tom-cat feelings you don't understand,
Well I turn around to look at you, you light a cigarette,
I wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
I can see that you are lonesome just like me,
and it being late,you'd like some some company,
Well I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me,
The guy you're with has up and split, the chair next to you's free,
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me.
Now it's closing time, the music's fading out
Last call for drinks, I'll have another stout.
Well I turn around to look at you, you're nowhere to be found,
I search the place for your lost face, guess I'll have another round
And I think that I just fell in love with you.
'Cause falling in love just makes me blue,
Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
Well the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well if you sit down with this old clown, take that frown and break it,
Before the evening's gone away, I think that we could make it,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
Well the night does funny things inside a man
These old tom-cat feelings you don't understand,
Well I turn around to look at you, you light a cigarette,
I wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
I can see that you are lonesome just like me,
and it being late,you'd like some some company,
Well I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me,
The guy you're with has up and split, the chair next to you's free,
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me.
Now it's closing time, the music's fading out
Last call for drinks, I'll have another stout.
Well I turn around to look at you, you're nowhere to be found,
I search the place for your lost face, guess I'll have another round
And I think that I just fell in love with you.
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