What Friends Are Really For

You ever have one of those days when you're about a quarter inch off? When for some reason, you've lost a bit of control of your body...and mind...and sense. You know, the ability to think?

Dangerous combination.

So, I'm heading to India soon and I'm out shopping with a friend.

First, we walk into a store that has an open door. Well, he walks in, I smash into the perfectly shined glass that looked invisible and so on I walked. My friend broke out laughing...and I mean laughing. True if I really looked, I would have seen the sticker there simply to show it's a window and not a door.

Next, we're looking through rows of stuff. I back up to get a better look at something and back into someone. I immediately say 'I'm sorry'. My friend's cracking up. I don't think a nanosecond passed between my apology and his laughter...which was so loud, it drew attention. A lot of attention.

Well, it turns out I had bumped into a stand-up cardboard poster advertising Will Smith in Hancock.

Lastly, one moment I'm bending down looking at an item on the bottom row...and the next I'm lying on my back looking up at the ceiling, my balancing act having failed miserably.

All of this within a half hour, all of this within the same store. Well, That did it for my friend. He just about pissed his pants, he was laughing so hard.

And that's what friends are for. It's as simple as that.

Grocery Line Complainer

So, I’m in line at the grocery store yesterday and the customer - a woman, not that it matters but to give you sorta detailed picture, an elderly woman to give you a sorta, somewhat detailed picture - is purchasing some fruit.

The cashier – a girl, not that this matters either, but for a sorta somewhat, fairly detailed picture...a teenage girl to give you the sorta-est, somewhat-est, fairly-est detailed picture you’re going to get - picks the fruit up, either to add the price and move it down or to weight it and move it down. This made sense to me.

Well, not to the woman. She began to verbally create a new hole in the cashier’s backside to relieve her bowels - believing, I guess, that one hole wasn’t near suffice for the job – saying she shouldn’t be handling fruit with her unclean hands and thus and so and so and thus and on and on and whatever other continuing words you want to add.

NOW HERE’S THE THING THAT GET’S ME:

She turns to me and shakes her head as if because we’re both customers, we’re part of some tribe, some Us vs. Them Hatfields and McCoys battle that’s been raging so long there’s no reason, but just is.

Well, if this is true, I didn’t get the memo – but, to be fair, I’m always way behind on reading my In Box material, so it probably is there.

BUT even if it is there, I broke with the tribe, Us vs. Them, Hatfield vs. McCoy (haven’t decided which is Us and which is Them so feel free to do so on your own) battle that’s been raging for so long there’s no reason, but just is…

And I said to her…

Not only do many fruits have rinds you peel off (admittedly some just skins you eat), but hundreds and I’m talking possibly MANY hundreds of customers have touched, groped, probed, and all around felt up the fruit, and some, depending on their own sexual turn ons, then groped, probed, and all around felt up again the fruit you’re buying.

And now allow yourself to visualize where these customers have been. Everyone grocery shops here from the office executive to the cess pool worker.

What did the executive do today when he took that long lunch, that twenty minute bathroom break? And did he wash his hands afterward?

We know where the cess pool worker’s hands were. Did he wash?

Even me. From looking at me, would you think I have a rash somewhere unsavory? (One of my favorite words, 'unsavory', that and 'unseemly') I just might.

And so might many if not all others. Lot of unseen area in clothes where who-knows-what’s going on. I’ll wager the cleanest hands in this place are the cashier’s directly in front of you.

With a little snobby up-nose turn and a little Hmmm...like screw you, she was off.

Did I actually say all this? Of course not. Did I actually say any of it? Of course not again. Did I think. Absolutely...and the fall out?

I haven't bought a piece of fruit since...Of course, I haven't been shopping since either but point taken, I think.

For my nephew and neice

...on the night my neice, Kathryn was born...9-years younger than my nephew, Mel (If you think that's not been a problem over the years, YOU'RE WRONG)

Anyway...

hello Kathryn with the curious eyes
that make me think of summer skies
and reveal the love I have for you
in my deepest sighs

you’ve brought with you the days of spring
when flowers bloom and bluebirds sing
and sweet showered rainbows
color everything

and oh, I can’t believe
I swear you’re like a dream
that floated down the stream
from some fairy-tale
where the princess splits the night
with her diamond heart of light

hello Mel with your sleepy smile
planting sunsets along every mile
and thankfully bringing me
the hope I’ve needed all the while

the things you do and the things you say
make me love you in a special way
I can’t last ‘til tomorrow
to laugh with you today

and oh, to have you near
I can’t believe you’re truly here
and have been all these years
for it feels like yesterday
when I held you oh so tight
‘neath the endless pinhole nights

so hello Kathryn and hello Mel
my two wishes granted from the well
I can hardly wait to hear
the stories you’ll have to tell

and through the magic sands
I see you in a future land
fulfilling all your plans
forever holding hands

- my granted wishes -