My Cat

I’m still here doing my ‘ass out of you and me’ thing and assume someone’s still reading.

First things first, I must do the follow up to my (Ba-Dum-Dum, rim-shot) dumb joke about bestiality.

My cat and I are in counseling. She wants to know why she’s always the one that initiates the pet. When I ask when, apparently I’m supposed to decipher her lying on the rug belly up is so obvious she’s all but telling me. I say, then just tell me. She’s scoffs, crosses her arms (legs? No idea) in huff and barks out, MEN, as if this answers all. What? I mean, seriously, WHAT?

Apparently, the 'men just don't get it' thing has crosses species.

Okay, so really dumb allusions to bestiality out of my system, I do have a cat.

I found her (for now on, I’ll call her Lazy since that’s what I named her – certain logic there, pretzeled though it may be - no, it's logical) slumping along a tree-lined back road, NO CLAWS. How the hell did she get here? I’m thinking. Now, after all these years, it’s occurred to me exactly how. A car door opens, a cat is dropped off…while the car is still moving. Trust me, I more than understand.

I live in a town a short ways outside Boston called Framingham. (Bob Seger rhymed a word with Framingham in a song. Talk about running out of words ending in ‘am’. People that live here, instead of a ‘hey, people are hearing our town’s name on the radio’ did a collective, WHY?)

Nothing for nothing but it’s round these parts that I found this cat I took in and named Lazy – I'd had cats as a kid and I always remembered them being so full of life, chasing balls and all that, I thought it would be cleverly ironic (okay, well maybe not cleverly), but ironic like rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you’re already late. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself. I'm sure Alanis Morrisette appeciates the shout out to her song).

Anyway,

I thought for sure Lazy would be a counterpunch to her vivacious (that’s definitely not the right word for a cat) so…lively, tire me out, personality. She tires me out, but not by physical means. She doesn’t move. Okay, once when she was lying down, she stood up, moved a foot and keeled over.

Do you know how embarrassing it is when the vet asks if she gets any exercise and you can’t even spin it. Well…I mean…you see…(then finally, shoulders slumping) no. Wait! The other day, she moved a foot.

So, my name for her Lazy, is now appropriate. Her name for me? I’m not that well versed in ‘cat, but if I’m interpreting her ‘meows’ correctly it appears to be, ‘Hey, Asshole…’…which I’m sure she feels is appropriate.

The other two things I think - again if I'm interpreting correctly - are:

1.'Unacceptable'

2. '...and another thing.'

By the way, do you have any idea what a knock it is to a person’s self-esteem to have a cat start licking exactly where you pet her the very nanosecond you stopped?

It was a rhetorical question, Self…Don’t worry. Me and I will teach you.

I guess I have to go. Me and I have a day of lessons with my Self.