1st Post - How In The Heck To Begin A Blog

How in the hell do you begin a blog?

I mean, it’s got to make people want to read on, right? Hello? Are you still reading on? I’ll make an ass out of you and me and assume you are. So, here I was with this seemingly inconsequential yet totally consequential question plaguing me, haunting me…and many other ominous ‘ing’ words.

(Note To Self: For the love of everything writerly, buy a THESAURUS. I mean really! How many times have I reminded you now? Were you just about to answer that?!! Have you not heard of a rhetorical question? Were you about to answer that, too?!! My god, man have an ounce of pride, will ya? Just…Shhh. You’ve not done enough already. We’ll talk later.)

Apologies for my Self and his ill-mannered lack of professionalism. Anyway, to the one person I’m assuming is still reading on, I’m hoping you get even a vague idea of the picture because you honestly do not want to get me started on metaphors to make you fathom the nerve-shattering quandary I was in.

I decided to do the only thing I was ever good at and procrastinate. Then my Self spoke up and got on MY case. I had actually procrastinated even more than my Self. Everything is now officially possible.

So, I thought and thought and then thought some more, and then thought again for good measure…and came to the conclusion I should be thinking and thinking and thinking some more, and then thinking again for better measure about what I was actually meant to be thinking about instead of sincerely inconsequential things like:

[If yellow were renamed blue, would we think differently about the sky?

If Wednesday were moved next to Monday, would Thursday miss it? ]

And so I did think of what I should be thinking about. And at the end, I was at the beginning again, back in the same old place again:

How in the hell do you begin a blog?

And finally, Eureka, it struck me like – I really need a thesaurus. I’m nauseous as I write this it’s so obvious, but…it struck me like lightening. Give me a moment to settle my stomach.

I’m back.

Okay, okay, so it was two moments, cut me some slack, Jack (quick toss to the 70’s there): see how I’m acting as if you, the one I’m assuming is still reading on, and I are having a conversation. Yes, well, a sign of insanity or not, you and your amateur analysis are…One of the foremost psychiatrists in the world, you say. What’s that? THE foremost…In the HISTORY of the world…and voted Most Humble Man Alive three years straight.

You voted for yourself, didn’t you? I knew it…Humble is as humble does.

Well, Mr. Humble, Foremost Psychiatrist In The History Of The World, ready your talons to claw into my ‘how the hell do you begin a blog’ decision:

WITH A REALLY DUMB, BA-DUM-DUM, RIMSHOT JOKE INFERRING BESTIALITY…NATURALLY.

(Is it ‘infer’ or 'imply'? I get confused over infer and imply sometimes)

So without further ado:

I own a cat. We’re still at the petting stage.
Thank you. I’ll be at The Giggle Hut all week. Two shows on Saturday.

And I just lost the one person I assumed was reading on…and my Self just threw in the towel.

Guess for now on, I’m writing for me and I as my Self, like Elvis, has left the building (without picking up the towel he threw in first – immature jerk).

He’ll be back. How far’s he going to make it without me and I?

Til next time.